


Hercule Poirot and 99 others like this

by TheVendetta



Category: Poirot - Agatha Christie
Genre: Facebook
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-19
Updated: 2012-04-19
Packaged: 2017-11-03 22:15:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/386563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheVendetta/pseuds/TheVendetta
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if Poirot and all his friends were on Facebook?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hercule Poirot and 99 others like this

**Author's Note:**

> I thought it’d be fun to write a Facebook story with Poirot and (almost?) all his friends, so here it is! I really liked to write this and I’m writing a second chapter with some new characters. (No OCs, I promise! Well, you will see!) Thanks to Jack-OfAllTrades, my beta reader, who did a really great job! :)
> 
> By the way, I do know that some characters are a bit OOC. Especially Japp. But who has never been different on the Internet, eh? x)
> 
> Everything belongs to Agatha Christie. Enjoy and leave a review, you’d be nice! :D

**Random Things**

  


 

 **Hercule Poirot** : Case solved… once again! Merci à mes petites cellules grises. :) __

_Hercule Poirot, Arthur Hastings, Felicity Lemon and 76 others like this._

 

 **Arthur Hastings** : Well done, old chap! :)

 **James Japp** : Stop boasting!

 **Felicity Lemon** : Inspector! --' Monsieur Poirot deserves it.

 **James Japp** : He deserves what? To boast? XD

 **Arthur Hastings** : And he helped you a lot to solve the case.

 **James Japp** : …Can’t I joke with you?

 **Hercule Poirot** : Allons, mes amis… Cessez vos enfantillages, oui ?

 **James Japp** : Google Translate isn’t working; can somebody tell me what he just said, please?

 **Felicity Lemon** : …

 **Arthur Hastings** : Never mind, Inspector.

***

 

 **Ariadne Oliver** : Oh, I hate this Finnish detective!

 

 **Hercule Poirot** : Do you need help, Madame?

 **Ariadne Oliver** : Of course, but I doubt you can help me, Poirot.

 **Hercule Poirot** : What’s the matter?

 **Ariadne Oliver** : My editor wants me to write a novel featuring Sven but I have no inspiration!

 **Hercule Poirot** : I am sure you will find something, chère amie!

 **Ariadne Oliver** : I better find some soon, then!

 **Hercule Poirot** : :)

 

***

 

_Hercule Poirot posted something on Arthur Hastings’ wall._

 

 **Hercule Poirot** : Ah, mon ami, how are you doing?

 

 **Arthur Hastings** : Pretty good, Poirot, and you?

 **Hercule Poirot** : I’m fine. Mais I am bored. Terribly bored.

 **Arthur Hastings** : What can I do to help? :(

 **Hercule Poirot** : Come back to England! :D

 **Arthur Hastings** : Are you serious?

 **Hercule Poirot** : Of course I am. Hercule Poirot never jokes.

 **Arthur Hastings** : Poirot, you do know I just returned to Argentina today, don’t you? I can’t leave!

 **Hercule Poirot** : Dommage, mon ami…

 **Arthur Hastings** : Indeed, old man. I’m sorry.

 **Hercule Poirot** : I miss you.

 **Arthur Hastings** : Er, me too…

 **Dulcie Duveen** : Poor Monsieur Poirot…You can visit us if you want :)

 **Arthur Hastings** : I say, what a nice idea!

 **Hercule Poirot** : Pah, Poirot prefers to stay in London.

 **Dulcie Duveen** : Too bad!

 

***

 

_James Japp and Harold Spence joined the group “Scotland Yard’s detectives are not as stupid as they seem to be in crime fictions”._

_Arthur Hastings joined the group “I may write crime stories inspired by true cases but that does not mean I am John Watson”._

_Hercule Poirot joined the group “Belgian refugees are the best!”._

 

***

 

 **Hercule Poirot** : Je m’ennuie de mon bon ami Hastings.

 

 **Arthur Hastings** : Oh, Poirot… You still miss me?

 **Hercule Poirot** : You did understand what I said, Hastings? You improved your French, yes? Or perhaps you used the bad Google Translate?

 **Arthur Hastings** : Well, no, I have a good teacher :)

 **Hercule Poirot** : A teacher, Hastings?

 **Arthur Hastings** : Yes.

 **Hercule Poirot** : Who is he?

 **Arthur Hastings** : Use your little grey cells! ;)

 **Hercule Poirot** : …Very well, Hastings.

 

***

 

 **Ariadne Oliver** : Phew, I’ve finally written the first chapter! :D

_Hercule Poirot and 144 others like this._

 

***

 

 **James Japp** : Been to the trial today. John K. Mitchell will be hung tomorrow morning.

_James Japp, Hercule Poirot, Harold Spence and 11 others like this._

 

 **Hercule Poirot** : Excellent, mon ami!

 **James Japp** : Thank you, Poirot!

 

***

 

 **Ariadne Oliver** : God, apple overdose! Must think about eating something else while I’m writing…

_159 people like this._

 

***

 

_Arthur Hastings posted something on Hercule Poirot’s wall._

 

 **Arthur Hastings** : Did you find out who my French teacher is? :)

 **Hercule Poirot** : Not yet, I’m afraid. I’ve been busy with a case this week.

 **Arthur Hastings** : Oh, let me guess…John K. Mitchell’s case, is it not? Everybody’s been talking about it and I think I saw your name somewhere…

 **Hercule Poirot** : Yes, Mitchell’s case. I’m very tired tonight, Hastings.

 **Arthur Hastings** : Are you all right?

 **Hercule Poirot** : Yes, do not worry.

 **Arthur Hastings** : Then go to sleep old chap!

 **Hercule Poirot** : I will, mon cher ;)

 **James Japp** : Why are you mothering him, Captain Hastings? ;)

 **Arthur Hastings** : Nonsense!

 **James Japp** : Er, what’s the matter with the French teacher? :O

 **Hercule Poirot** : Bonne nuit, Inspector! --' Bonne nuit, Hastings!

 **Arthur Hastings** : Good night, Poirot :)

 

***

 

_Hercule Poirot posted something on Arthur Hastings’ wall._

 

 **Hercule Poirot** : Tell me the truth. Who your French teacher is, Hastings?

 

 **Arthur Hastings** : You haven’t guessed it yet? I can’t believe it!

 **Hercule Poirot** : Thank you for putting your trust in Poirot, mon ami.

 **Arthur Hastings** : Well, my French teacher is only you, Poirot. (:

 **Hercule Poirot** : Me?

 **Arthur Hastings** : Mais oui, you always speak a mix of French and English and I couldn’t help but learn! :D

 **Hercule Poirot** : Oh mon Dieu! You must certainly think I’m a fool for not understand. that earlier, don’t you, mon ami?

 **Arthur Hastings** : You’re anything but a fool, don’t worry.

 **Hercule Poirot** : Oh, you’re too kind!

 **Arthur Hastings** : It’s because I like you (:

 **Hercule Poirot** : But I like you too, my friend! (:

 

***

 

 **Arthur Hastings** : Next month, I’m going home!

_Hercule Poirot likes this._

 

 **Hercule Poirot** : You mean you will come to England, mon ami?

 **Arthur Hastings** : Yes!

_Hercule Poirot likes this._

**Hercule Poirot** : For how long?

 **Arthur Hastings** : Well, probably one month or two…

 **Hercule Poirot** : Magnifique, mon am!

_Arthur Hastings likes this._

**Arthur Hastings** : Indeed! :P

 

***

 

_Arthur Hastings is now in a relationship with Hercule Poirot._

 

 **James Japp** : Hello, queers!

_James Japp likes this._

**Dulcie Duveen** : …Arthur? O_O

 **Arthur Hastings** : Oh, hell! --' It’s not what I wanted to do, sorry Poirot!

 **Dulcie Duveen** : Why aren’t you apologizing to me?

_James Japp likes this._

**James Japp** : Hahahahahahaha!

_James Japp likes this._

**Arthur Hastings** : Ah, er, sorry Cinders! D:

 **Hercule Poirot** : Now, if you don’t mind, Hastings, I’ll change my relationship status…

_Arthur Hastings and Dulcie Duveen like this._

 

***

 

_Hercule Poirot went from being “in a relationship” to “single”._

_Arthur Hastings went from being “in a relationship” to “single”._

_Arthur Hastings is married to Dulcie Duveen._

_Arthur Hastings, Dulcie Duveen, Hercule Poirot, Felicity Lemon and 25 others like this._

**Hercule Poirot** : Toutes mes félicitations! :)

_Arthur Hastings likes this._

**James Japp** : Much better!

 

***

 

_Dulcie Duveen has changed her name to Cinderella._

***

 

_Private messages between Hercule Poirot and Arthur Hastings._

 

 **Hercule Poirot** : My friend, can you explain to me why you said we were in a relationship?

 **Arthur Hastings** : I’m sorry, Poirot! Like I said, I didn’t intend to say that we…er…

 **Hercule Poirot** : Stop being a coward, Hastings, and do not fear to say the words!

 

***

 

 **Arthur Hastings** : Once again, I’m so sorry, so sorry. 

 **Cinderella** : Of what?

 **Hercule Poirot** : You and your silly games…

 **Arthur Hastings** : I’m not playing any game, Poirot!

 **Hercule Poirot** : Then, don’t apologize over and over again. And you know what I mean.

 **Cinderella** : o_O

_Arthur Hastings likes this._

 

***

 

 **Ariadne Oliver** : Ugh, I want to kill Sven Hjerson! Who’s with me?

 

 **Felicity Lemon** : I’ve never read your novels, but I’m sure you can finish the one you’re writing!

_Ariadne Oliver likes this._

**Ariadne Oliver** : Oh, you’re so nice, dear… Aren’t you the secretary of Monsieur Poirot?

_Felicity Lemon likes this._

**Felicity Lemon** : Yes. :)

 **Ariadne Oliver** : I’ll add you as a friend, then! :)

_Felicity Lemon likes this._

**Felicity Lemon** : Sure!

 

***

 

_Ariadne Oliver and Felicity Lemon are now friends._

_Hercule Poirot likes this._

 

***

 

_Vera Rossakoff and Hercule Poirot are now friends._

_Vera Rossakoff posted something on Hercule Poirot’s wall._

 

 **Vera Rossakoff** : Hello Hercule! :D

 

 **Hercule Poiroff** : Countess!

 **Vera Rossakoff** : How are you doing? It’s been a while!

 **Hercule Poirot** : Hm, not very well, I’m afraid. And yes, it has.

 **Vera Rossakoff** : Aw, what happened? :(

 **Hercule Poirot** : I’ll explain everything to you in private. Thank you for caring.

 

***

 

 **Arthur Hastings** : Sometimes I seriously wish I were clever.

_Hercule Poirot, James Japp and 5 others like this._

**James Japp** : XD

_Hercule Poirot likes this._

 

***

 

_Private messages between Hercule Poirot and Vera Rossakov._

 

 **Hercule Poirot** : My friend Hastings said we were in a relationship, but we weren’t. The problem is he refuses to tell me why he did such a thing. It upsets me.

 **Vera Rossakoff** : Oh, I see. Perhaps it was just a mistake so he didn’t intend anything.

 **Hercule Poirot** : No, I feel there is something wrong with him…

 **Vera Rossakoff** : Did you talk to him since that?

 **Hercule Poirot** : No. He just apologized, but that’s not what I want to hear.

 **Vera Rossakoff** : I’m sorry, I really am.

 **Hercule Poirot** : Thank you. I hope everything will be fine.

 

***

 

_Private messages between Arthur Hastings and Hercule Poirot._

 

 **Arthur Hastings** : Fine. I did NOT intend to say that I loved you in that way. It was a mistake. A stupid mistake. Now, would you please stop to be upset with me? It’s seriously become childish!

 **Hercule Poirot** : Well, may I remind you it’s entirely your fault?

 **Arthur Hastings** : I’ve apologized and now I’ve just admitted it was a mistake! What more can I say?

 **Hercule Poirot** : Sorry, mon ami, mais how could you made such a mistake? There is a huge difference between Cinderella’s name and mine!

 **Arthur Hastings** : Why is that so important for you, Poirot? Perhaps YOU are in love with ME! And you want me to say I feel the same! But I don’t, you stubborn little man!

 **Hercule Poirot** : I’m not in love with you, Hastings! You clearly take your dreams for the reality! x_x And don’t avoid my question!

 **Arthur Hastings** : I don’t have to answer your foolish question! Now, I think I’ll stay in Argentina and cancel my trip to England.

 

***

 

 **Arthur Hastings** : Argentina would miss me too much so I’m staying here!

_Cinderella likes this._

**Cinderella** : Wouldn’t you miss me?

 **Arthur Hastings** : Of course I would!

_Cinderella likes this._

***

 

_Hercule Poirot created the group “My best friend is so stupid.”_

_Hercule Poirot changed the name of the group into: “My ex-best friend is so stupid.”_

_Arthur Hastings joined “My ex-best friend is so stupid.”_

_***_

**Ariadne Oliver** : Oh, dear God. NO. NO. NOOOOOOOO!

_126 people like this._

**Hercule Poirot** : ?

 **Ariadne Oliver** : My computer’s just frozen and guess what? I’ve just realized I forgot to save the chapter I was writing!

 **Hercule Poirot** : Oh no… :(

 **Felicity Lemon** : Poor you! D:

 **Ariadne Oliver** : So I definitely lost the chapter I was working so hard on. UGH!!! I HATE COMPUTERS AND TECHNOLOGY.

_James Japp and 83 others like this._

**Hercule Poirot** : …Miss Lemon? You’re on Facebook instead of working? ôô

_Arthur Hastings, James Japp and Vera Rossakov like this._

**Felicity Lemon** : Oops…

_James Japp likes this._

**Hercule Poirot** : …

_James Japp likes this._

**James Japp** : I wouldn’t pay her this month if I were you, Poirot! ;)

 **Hercule Poirot** : Fortunately, you’re not Poirot!

_James Japp likes this._

**James Japp** : You’re right; fortunately, like you just said!

_James Japp likes this._

**Hercule Poirot** : Not funny, Japp.

_James Japp likes this._

**Hercule Poirot** : Would you please stop liking everything? I’m… er, over notified!

_James Japp likes this._

**Ariadne Oliver** : Don’t complain, Poirot! I just lost my file and now I’m receiving one hundred notifications about Felicity Lemon who should be working and two men acting like kids!

_James Japp, Hercule Poirot and 194 others like this._

 

***

 

_Judith Hastings posted something on Hercule Poirot’s wall._

 

 **Judith Hastings** : Oncle Hercule! :)

 

 **Hercule Poirot** : Oh, bonjour Judith! :) I didn’t know you were on Facebook.

 **Judith Hastings** : Well, I am!

 **Hercule Poirot** : Good. How are you?

 **Judith Hastings** : Fine…but I honestly wonder if everything’s okay with my father and you, hm?

 **Hercule Poirot** : Why?

 **Judith Hastings** : Well, I just checked his wall and you seem upset with him or something? Plus, he decided not to go to England.

 **Hercule Poirot:** I’m not upset with your father. ._.

 **Judith Hastings** : Really?

 **Hercule Poirot** : Yes.

 **Judith Hastings** : Really, really? oO

 **Hercule Poirot** : Really, really, yes.

 **Judith Hastings** : Really, really, really?

 **Jack Hastings** : Come on, Jud’ --' Please, forgive her, Oncle Hercule, she’s so childish. :)

_Jack Hastings likes this._

**Judith Hastings** : Oh, fuck you, Jack!

_Judith Hastings likes this._

**Arthur Hastings** : No swearing, Judith; and Jack, be polite to your sister.

 **Judith Hastings** : Ah, hello Dad.

 **Hercule Poirot** : Why are you posting on my wall, Hastings?

 **Judith Hastings** : I KNEW you were upset with him!

_Judith Hastings, Jack Hastings and Arthur Hastings like this._

**Hercule Poirot** : I’m not; I just asked a question, that’s all.

 **Arthur Hastings** : Poirot… --'

_Judith Hastings likes this._

 

***

 

 **Ariadne Oliver** : I just found out that some kids used MY Sven Hjerson for their “fan fictions”. O_O *shocked*

 

 **Felicity Lemon** : Fan what?

 **Ariadne Oliver** : Fiction! I read one and…it’s horrible. *still shocked*

 **Felicity Lemon** : Why? Send me the link!

 **Ariadne Oliver** : Here it is. [LINK]

 **Felicity Lemon** : Your readers find that Sven is compatible with his best friend, that’s all. :) What’s wrong?

 **Ariadne Oliver** : ‘What’s wrong?’ Well, their stories are so vulgar!

 **Felicity Lemon** : Of course they are. Young people write them after all…though some grown people also write this kind of story…

 **Ariadne Oliver** : You seem to know about it. :)

_Hercule Poirot likes this._

**Felicity Lemon** : …No comment.

 **Ariadne Oliver** : Haha! But hey, I could sue them, couldn’t I?

 **Hercule Poirot** : Well, I think you could, chère madame, but I am sure your readers only wanted to have fun with their favourite characters. ;)

_Felicity Lemon likes this._

**Ariadne Oliver** : To have fun? What’s fun about that? Plus, er, Sven is not homosexual! >_<

 **James Japp** : Well, you never mentioned this fact in your novels, did you?

 **Ariadne Oliver** : …Fine. In my future novel, his best friend will try to make love to Sven and the latter will be very disgusted.

_James Japp and 338 others like this._

**Felicity Lemon** : If you do that, I think all your readers will be more inspired to write fan fictions. I mean, impossible romances are always inspiring!

_Felicity Lemon Arthur Hastings and Cinderella like this._

**James Japp** : And so original, hm, hm!

_Hercule Poirot likes this._

**Felicity Lemon** : Whatever, Inspector Japp.

_Arthur Hastings, Cinderella and 29 others like this._

**Ariadne Oliver** : Then, I’ll say Sven is homophobe! --'

 **Hercule Poirot** : And all your open-minded readers will be disgusted. 

_48 people like this._

**Ariadne Oliver** : So is there any solution?

 **James Japp** : I fear not. Haha!

_James Japp likes this._

**Ariadne Oliver** : Greaaaaaaaat.

_Hercule Poirot, James Japp, Arthur Hastings, Felicity Lemon, Cinderella and 93 others like this._

 

***

 

_Ariadne Olived created the group “Fan fictions are absurd and should be removed from the Internet.”_

_Ariadne Oliver likes this._

***

 

 **Ariadne Oliver** : I went to the Sven Hjerson’s fan page and some readers read what I posted earlier and are really sad and disappointed by my reaction. Now, is it normal if I feel I’m a total bitch?

_238 people like this._


End file.
